Returning Home to the Essence of Love
The Hermetic teaching says that when the soul leaves the Earth, it travels upward through the seven planetary spheres. At each step, it sheds something it once carried, leaving behind the weight of earthly illusions so it can return light and free.
When I read this, I recognized my own Twin Flame journey in it — the purification of consciousness through love. Every step of Union is not about getting something new, but about releasing what is false.
Through the Moon, the soul releases its urge to exaggerate or diminish. On the Twin Flame path, this means seeing clearly — not turning little moments into dramatic crises, not reducing the love to nothing when fear whispers “this is impossible.” Here we learn to hold balance, to see truth without distortion.
Through Mercury, the soul lets go of craftiness, the subtle ways we manipulate or mask. On the Twin Flame journey, this is the healing of games, strategies, and false selves. Love cannot be tricked or controlled — it only grows in truth and transparency.
Through Venus, passion softens into devotion. The fire of desire is not extinguished, but it becomes a sacred flame — no longer clinging or consuming, but illuminating the heart with the sweetness of love that asks for nothing in return.
Through the Sun, ambition dissolves. No striving for glory, no desperate timelines for Union. Instead, there is radiant purpose — shining as you are, knowing that love does not arrive as a trophy, but flows as a natural expression of who you already are.
Through Mars, the impulse to conquer or force is surrendered. What remains is courage, not aggression. The courage to stay open, to love when it feels vulnerable, to trust when the mind wants proof.
Through Jupiter, the hunger for wealth and expansion falls away. We stop looking for security outside ourselves — not in possessions, not even in Union as something to own. Instead, we rest in the abundance that already is: love as the true currency of the soul.
And through Saturn, the final illusion drops. The soul releases lying. On the Twin Flame path, this is the release of every false belief we ever carried: “I am unworthy. Love leaves me. We are separate.” What remains is only truth: Love never leaves. Union is eternal.
Step by step, planet by planet, we are purified. Not punished, but freed. Not tested, but invited into deeper alignment with Love itself.
This, to me, is what the ascension journey really is — a remembering of what cannot be lost, a return to what has always been true. The Twin Flame path, like the Hermetic path, is simply Love stripping away everything that is not Love.
And while the ancients only knew of these seven planets, today we can glimpse something even wider: Uranus, Neptune, and Pluto — the modern lights. If Saturn was once the final gate, Uranus brings liberation through awakening, Neptune offers dissolving into oneness, and Pluto delivers the deepest transformation. It feels to me that our journeys are not just about shedding, but also about opening into these higher invitations — to awaken, to merge with the whole, and to be reborn into the fullness of who we are.
What struck me when I placed the Hermetic sheddings alongside my Varvara Compass is how similar the two are in essence. The sheddings name what must fall away — exaggeration, grasping, craftiness, striving — while the Compass names what naturally arises when we let go: tranquility, belonging, beauty, groundedness, community. One is the clearing, the other is the flowering. Together they remind me that the spiritual journey is not about adding more to myself, but about releasing what clouds the truth of who I already am.
A Compass Between Worlds
In the teaching of the Hermetic sages, the soul, on its return to God, moves through the planetary spheres, shedding what no longer belongs: exaggeration, craftiness, passion, ambition, boldness, greed, deception. With each surrender, the soul grows lighter, freer, nearer to its origin.
Cynthia Bourgeault reminds us that here on Earth, we live under the heavy weave of World 48. Forty-eight laws press upon us; life feels constrained, dense, and bound by necessity. Yet even here, we carry seeds of higher worlds — World 24 of harmony, World 12 of love, World 6 of union.
The Varvara Compass arises as a bridge between these cosmologies. Its five qualities — Groundedness, Community, Tranquility, Belonging, Beauty — anchor the soul in World 48 while pointing toward ascent. Groundedness and Community root us so we do not collapse under density. Tranquility and Belonging whisper of World 24, where patterns of peace and connection already sing. Beauty opens into World 12, the realm where Love is the law itself.
Thus the Compass is not only a map for living but a ladder of remembrance. It helps us endure the weight of this world while attuning to the higher frequencies already alive within us. To walk with it is to live as a pilgrim of the spheres, shedding what binds, embodying what frees.
My Soul Compass
My tendency has always been to seek out hotels and places that are trendy and immaculate in quality. But for this trip to Varvara, I knew I wasn’t after a traditional fancy vacation. I was listening to my soul.
That call led me to the Zen Hotel in Varvara.
At first glance, it wasn’t a place I would normally gravitate toward — small, simple, unassuming. The owner, Joro, greeted us at the door. The check-in process was easy, almost invisible in its simplicity. Above the reception counter, a phrase was inscribed:
“Wherever you go, you will find what you carry within yourself.”
At the time, it didn’t strike me. But later, those words became the very essence of what I was experiencing.
Behind the hotel stretched a pool and a lounge area where guests gathered for breakfast, or to rest on the shaded daybeds by the water. My daughter and I needed a day and a half to settle into the energy of the place, but by the end of our stay, we found ourselves questioning whether we should leave at all.
Pulling away from that calm vibration was harder than expected.
Looking back, what I felt in Varvara can be distilled into five qualities that touched my heart — my Varvara Compass:
Tranquility — a quietness that nourishes me, like waves against the shore.
Belonging — being part of something simple and real, no need to prove myself.
Beauty — art, colors, fabrics, and spaces that awaken my creativity.
Groundedness — steadiness, reliability, care (like Joro’s presence).
Community — people around, not perfect, but warm and present.
The Zen Hotel itself whispered to me the exact teaching I needed!
The message above the desk was a mirror of what I was already sensing: the belonging, the beauty, the tranquility, the community, the groundedness — they are not bound to Varvara or the Zen Hotel. They live within me, and in places like this, they awaken and come alive.
No wonder I felt tears of joy when I walked through the door — I wasn’t just entering a hotel, I was stepping into a reflection of my own soul’s inner home.
One more image has stayed with me: when you turn from the reception to go up the stairs—or when you descend back down—you are met by a simple painting of a rose on a wooden board. I had already chosen the rose as the first theme for my Varvara pop-up long before this trip, yet seeing that rose in the Zen Hotel felt like a gentle confirmation. It was as if the village itself was nodding to me: yes, you are on the right path.
The rose, for me, is more than a flower — it is an emblem of love, soul, and beauty that holds you even in your fragility. That painted rose was not just decoration; it was a mirror of my own inner choice, showing me that what I carry within always finds me again.
And now I wonder: What might your compass look like?
If you were to name five qualities or values that define the home of your soul, what would they be?
The Unveiled Isis and the Art of Seeing
When I arrived in Bulgaria, I didn’t know how far this trip will take me and that will actually transition into a journey of unveiling. There is a legend about the Egyptian Goddess Isis: in ancient tradition, Isis was often depicted as the great mother of wisdom, seated on a throne, wearing a veil. At the temple of Sais in Egypt, an inscription was said to read:
“I am all that has been, that is, and that shall be; no mortal has ever lifted my veil.”
The veil symbolized the hidden mysteries of life—the truth about creation, the divine feminine, the cycles of birth, death, and rebirth. Isis’s veil was not secrecy meant to keep humans away, but a sacred protection: only those who were ready in heart and spirit could glimpse the truth behind it.
Later mystical schools—Greek, Hermetic, and even Renaissance thinkers—spoke of “lifting the veil of Isis” as the soul’s journey of initiation. The veil is not torn away; it is gently unveiled as the seeker grows in love, wisdom, and purity of intention.
What does it mean for me:
The veil is the illusion that hides beauty, truth, and love from my sight
To approach Isis is to live with reverence and openness, trusting that the deeper mysteries will reveal themselves at the right time.
“Unveiling” is not about rushing but about becoming ready to see.
In a sense, my time in Bulgaria is an Isis journey- I did not know how far it would take me, but piece by piece, the veil lifts.
What began as a simple visit to Varvara has unfolded into a path of unveiling—an exploration of mysteries, both around me and within myself.
Yesterday, I met a woman who owns a gallery—a soulful, tender presence whose heart seemed to mirror the spirit of this place. I asked her to find me an object with the name Varvara inscribed on it. After some searching, she pulled a weathered card from behind the window. On it was a delicate drawing of a girl, and the name Varvara written in Latin.
The moment was deeply meaningful. She shared that the card had been given to her by someone she valued highly, and I recognized that what I was receiving was a heartfelt exchange—pure, unforced, and alive with intention. Just before this, I had told her about the rationale behind my journey to Varvara, and she revealed that her heart too was in that same place.
And then it dawned on me: this is a town with no tourist shops, no shelves of Varvara souvenirs. The very place where I sought such objects offers none. Perhaps the reason is clear: the truth and beauty I am seeking are not found outside. They live in the heart. We carry God, we carry Varvara, we carry the Divine Feminine, within us. The art of seeing is learning to behold these mysteries with the eyes of the soul (nous).
This small encounter, simple on the surface, feels like a whisper from the universe—a confirmation that this path of unveiling is sacred. Each step, each discovery, mirrors the legend of Isis: the courage to gently lift the veil, the readiness to receive truth and beauty when it is offered, and the recognition that the divine is already within.
Varvara, the card, the meeting—they are symbols of attention, openness, and the quiet magic that arises when we truly see. To see with the heart is to perceive the unseen, to welcome what is revealed, and to recognize that the journey itself is the unfolding of all that is sacred.
Barefoot in Varvara
I named my creative space Varvara seven years ago. The name came as a soul-call — I loved how the “r” rolls, but also felt drawn to its connection to Bulgaria. There is a small sea village in the southern part of the Black Sea with the same name. Though I had never visited, I loved its sea association.
As a linguist, I also looked into the meaning of the name. Varvara is of Greek origin, meaning “stranger” or “foreigner.” That felt aligned, since I have often lived between lands — Bulgaria and America — never fully one or the other, always a bridge between worlds. Each time I spoke the name, it carried warmth and love.
Seven years later, when I returned to Bulgaria to reconnect with my roots, I knew I had to visit Varvara in person.
Saint Varvara (known in English as Saint Barbara) has always carried a mysterious presence in my heart.
Her story begins in the 3rd century, when she was hidden away in a tower by her father — shielded from the world, yet awakening to the beauty of creation and the truth of God. Even in her confinement, she found freedom in spirit.
When she chose faith over fear, she was persecuted and killed by her own father. And yet, her legacy endures: she is remembered as a protector of children, women, and all who live courageously in their truth.
In Bulgaria, her feast day on December 4th is tender and simple: wheat or corn is boiled and shared with neighbors, a gesture of nourishment and blessing. It is as if her spirit lives on through these humble offerings — reminding us that transformation often begins quietly, through small acts of care that ripple outward into community.
When I first imagined Varvara, I didn’t want “just a brand.” I wanted a name that carried depth, courage, and story. Saint Varvara’s journey of finding freedom in faith while hidden away resonates deeply with my own.
I, too, have known times of being set apart, of searching for meaning in solitude, of holding to inner truth even when it was costly.
Varvara is both ancestral and alive. She represents Bulgaria — my roots, my homeland’s traditions, its grains and rituals. But she also represents the part of me that has wandered, transformed, and now seeks to offer beauty and nourishment to others.
This is why Varvara is more than a name. It is a living thread — one that connects past and present, Bulgaria and America, the inner and outer life. It carries forward the spirit of transformation, protection, and blessing.
My hope is that when you step into Varvara — through art, words, gatherings, or the simple beauty of presence — you, too, feel the warmth of belonging.
Trust
I run into mistrust regularly. It feels like a bad old friend- comes and goes when it pleases, but I still open the door to its invitations. Needless to say, it never feels warm and cozy but rather distant and neurotic. How do we build trust with our family, lovers, friends, and the world. What is trust? I have gotten to know that trust appears and grows when I feel safe and protected in the company of the person I am with. Like I feel it in my being that there is integrity and complete openness between us. There is unconditional love. That is the purest form of love. Mary Magdalene and Jesus loved each other unconditionally. That I have faith in. My heart yearns to be able to exhale and fall into trust. No more stories in the mind, just utter surrender to love. I work at it diligently. Every time she knocks on the door with her other partners in crime (resentment, anger, vengeance), I sit with her until she relaxes. I give her love and everything else she needs to alchemize. Is it just on me though? What if I give her all I have, and she still comes to visit, maybe I have to look into her red flags. What if she is there to help me see. See where I need to set a boundary, examine my own needs, or strengthen my own inner compass and invite honesty and alignment in a relationship. In these cases, mistrust comes as a gift. She isn’t meant to be a permanent home, but it can be a doorway — a teacher that guides you toward self-respect, deeper truth, and more nourishing connections.
What about the adage, “Trust the process”?
In truth, what you are trusting is not the process itself, but God. It is the faith that if you are patient and consistent, God will guide you forward. Trust is about releasing control—falling back into something greater than yourself. And yes, that can feel disorienting, even dizzying, because it requires letting go of expectations. Yet the simple formula for happiness is this: reality over expectations. When we release the way we think life should unfold, we begin to notice the quiet beauty of how it actually does. The present moment carries us—soft, weightless, like feathers on the breeze.
In the end, trust is not a passive waiting, but an active opening. It is the willingness to place our weight on something unseen and let it carry us. Trust is the bridge between our small self and the vastness of God’s love. When we practice trust, we begin to notice that life is already moving us toward what is meant—sometimes slower than we wish, sometimes in ways we don’t understand.
But always, we are held. Always, we are guided.
So perhaps the invitation is simple: take the next step, breathe into the present, and let yourself be carried.
Have You Ever?
Have you ever stepped into your own self and felt awe after a long time of overlooking some parts of yourself due to focusing on other more needy ones? What about accepting all of you?! The yesterday you that bought the field flowers from the old lady, not because there weren’t prettier ones, but because her face spoke to you. The today you who felt like offering a hug to the lady at the fabric store who after hours and years at that place felt its weight. The always you who alternates between a fountain of desires and interests- the one who obsessively searches for patterns and fabric to transform; the one who is offering healing consultations; the one who creates creative wonderlands for others to step into and taste the actual beauty of life; the one who vigorously wants to protect her kids from any disappointments contrary to what she has learned is the formula for growth and transcendence; the one who wants to teach things as abstractly intellectual and philosophical as possible; the one who seeks God day in and day out. Have you ever seen your Essence- its glitter and glamor blinding you just as the Sun on a blistering afternoon? I dare you- My Love- I dare you!
Wu Wei
I love it when you plan your day one way, but it turns out completely differently. I did plan to have coffee with my friend early in the morning before I go to my office and spend the day there doing work tasks. Well, my friend cancelled the early coffee, and the majority of my co-workers announced they don’t feel well and will not be going to the office, so I decided to follow the flow of the day and modify my original plan. That same friend proposed a later meeting, and I agreed. She also suggested we delve into some inner work together, so you can imagine the shift that took place. It is potent when you practice being present and going with the flow of existence. It is a rich playground! The only requirement is that one has to be willing to play.
While I was getting ready to leave, I noticed the book my coffee neighbor was reading, “Waiting for God” by Simone Weil. It struck a chord with me. I have been meaning to explore her writings, and that title was a good invitation for a start. Needless to say, I ordered the book an hour later.
Per my friend’s request, the next exploration I embarked on is my SQ in my gene keys profile.
Shadow: Dominance
Gift: Synergy
Siddhi: Communion
In the shadow energy, it manifests as a victim or perpetrator, feeling the need to dominate or allowing to be dominated. It is all tied to fear and insecurity. When we operate in our dual mind (ego operating system), we tend to mistrust and always perceive through a scarcity lens. The result is either/or- abusing our power or giving our power away. The path of transformation is on the other side of fear- both/and- the third force is synergy. When I trust myself, I inspire others and create a space of abundance and oneness.
I realize that I feel deeply drawn to creating communal spaces and leading from synergy and not control. Letting go of the controlled outcomes and embracing the flow of shared abundance. Instead of being pushed by the push-and-pull of dominance and submission, synergy invites me to step into co-creation and mutual empowerment. That requires complete acceptance of my Divine power and standing solidly into that knowing.
Sophia Perennis
Jesus as a teacher of the path of inner transformation. What caused the disciples to say “yes” to Jesus ? They did not have the knowledge that Jesus was going to be crucified, die, and rise again (20/20 hindsight). They knew in the immediacy of their heart. It is a transmission from within. “in your light, we see light,” Psalm 36. It is the mutual recognition of hearts. In John 4:6-15, Jesus Christ in the face of the Samaritan woman becomes the mirror in which she recognizes not only the face of God, but her own True Self/Divinity.
Soteriology- Jesus as a savior.
Sophiology- Jesus as a wisdom teacher- the Life-Giver. The primary task of a Christian is not to believe theological premises but to put on the mind of Christ.
What does it mean to die before you die? How do you go about losing your little life to find the bigger one? Is it possible to live on this planet with generosity, abundance, fearlessness, and beauty that mirror God’s Being? How do we acquire Christ’s consciousness?
You don’t die into the Kingdom of Heaven; you awaken into it. It is a state of consciousness-non-dual or unitive- no separation between God and humans, or between humans and other humans. In John 10:30, he states, “the Father and I are One.” This expresses the indivisible reality of divine love. We flow into God- and God into us- because it is the nature of love to flow.
Jesus famously said, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” It is a complete acceptance that your neighbor is you.
How do we switch from the binary operating system of either/or to both/and? A system based on duality cannot perceive oneness. We are invited to remember the heart- our unitive system. The heart is an organ of spiritual perception that keeps in alignment the horizontal and vertical axes.
Metanoia- transformation of the heart; going beyond the mind; entering into the larger mind
The binary mind always perceives from a sense of scarcity and keeps score through comparison and contrast. We can’t put on the mind of Christ while operating from a dual mind. We have to live from the perspective of wholeness and impartiality.
The Beatitudes
“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven”- purification of consciousness; kenosis
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.”- state of vulnerability and flow (tears, emptying out)
“Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.”- “devouring the lion”; taming the passions of the lower nature (ego)
“Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness for they will be filled.”- the thirst for/of God; being in connection with our fundamental yearning
“Blessed are the merciful, for they will receive mercy.”- reciprocity and exchange; no separation
“Blessed are the pure of heart, for they will see God.”- singleness; the heart is not divided but unified whole; cleansing the lens of perception
“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called the children of God.”- peace is our natural state
“Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”- release control; freedom; entrust ourselves to the Divine Mercy.
If we are stuck in ego, we can’t hear the music!
“It is not love stored up, but love utterly poured out that opened the gates to the Kingdom of Heaven.” Cling to nothing. Let it go.
The traditional teachings tell us that there is within each person a sacred energy (chi, prana, life force) which is measured out to each person in a finite amount. If we can contain this energy rather than leak it and preserve it intentionally, then we can ascend. It is one way of inner transformation. What Jesus taught was an alternate path- giving it all away, emptying it out- kenosis. It mirrors Heaven- extravagant abundance. “Do not store up treasures on earth, for it is your Father’s good pleasure, to give you the kingdom” (Luke 12:32).The Jesus Trajectory
Love is recklessness, not reason
Reason seeks a profit.
Love comes on strong, consuming herself, unabashed.
Yet in the midst of suffering,
Love proceeds like a millstone,
hard-surfaced and straight forward.
Having died to self-interest,
she risks everything and asks for nothing.
Love gambles away every gift God bestows.
Rumi
The How of Unconditional Love
I want to know what it means to truly love someone!
My kids are part of this quotation, and in my heart it feels unconditional although I still fear losing them in some manner. There is attachment. Holding onto them, for it feels good to give the plentitude of love stored in my Being to someone who matters.
Why does the moment of death release us, finally, to the depths of our human love? Why doesn’t the moment of living reach those depths? What is blocking me from accessing love’s vast potential? May I dissolve these blocks and experience the love I long for?
In times of hurt, I do run, and all I can envision is running further away until the agent of pain can’t reach me. Illusions. I caress the pain within me, and regardless of how far I go, I will never feel free or capable of expressing this transformative love. The only solution is to feel the ache all the way through and rob it of its power. This task is not for the faint of heart. In its apex, it feels debilitating and all kinds of scenarios appear in the min'd’s eye of avoiding the pain, but I have learned that only presence will resolve it. I endure. I feel. I kick. I scream. I pray. Eventually, it feels lighter, and I completely surrender control and love me. I want to learn what it means to truly love myself, so I can truly love another.
In the moment of death, our whole existence is exposed and surrendered. With nothing to protect or hold back, the life of our soul is open to empty out in full capacity. Love is self-surrender. How do I open to the force of my own love while living?
Human love vs. Divine love? If I am created in the image of God and fully Divine/fully Human, how do I emulate her love while being in human form? In the furnace, we see the impurities, and then we distract and avoid facing them and alchemizing them into purity. During this Lent season, I vow to go beyond the threshold until I see my soul. I dare to love fully- God, Self, Other- into Union and onward!
The Law of Last Year’s Language
I am reading another book by Cynthia Bourgeault that depicts the story of her union with a mystical soul, Rafe, first on the physical plane, and after his death, between the realms. Have you ever had a feeling of pure joy when the words reverberate through your body in complete resonance with your soul? They bring clarity and balance and were meant to reach you Now. Some Souls touch you so deeply. You savor their Beings through their words. They open the closed chambers of your heart and bring you to harmonious union with yourself. God has a large support team and as long you tune in and move with the flow of every offering, you receive what is offered. Yesterday morning, I was sitting in front of one of my book shelves, while a young man was fixing my water heater, when my gaze paused on the book by Hermann Hesse, The Glass Bead Game. When God wants to impress something on us, he creates a link of synchronicities, so we don’t miss the importance of the gift. Later into the night, when I was reading Cynthia’s story, a poem by Hermann Hesse from that same book was referenced in a very powerful way. Here is the poem gift:
Stages
By
Hermann Hesse
As every flower fades and as all youth
Departs, so life at every stage,
So every virtue, so our grasp of truth,
Blooms in its day and may not last forever.
Since life may summon us at every age
Be ready, heart, for parting, new endeavor,
Be ready bravely and without remorse
To find new light that old ties cannot give.
In all beginnings dwells a magic force
For guarding us and helping us to live.
Serenely let us move to distant places
And let no sentiments of home detain us.
The Cosmic Spirit seeks not to restrain us
But lifts us stage by stage to wider spaces.
If we accept a home of our own making,
Familiar habit makes for indolence.
We must prepare for parting and leave-taking
Or else remain the slaves of permanence.
Even the hour of our death may send
Us speeding on to fresh and newer spaces,
And life may summon us to newer races.
So be it, heart: bid farewell without end.
It tells me to leave the past and center into my present heart. It tells me to love unconditionally and that all focus on needs, reciprocities, expectations robs me from feeling the swelling love that took a decade to cultivate. It tells me to see the beauty in chaos and change. It tells me to leave behind the remorse, the regrets, the nostalgia. It tells me I am on the path that restores my wholeness and in that process can’t dwell on the hows and whys of the fragmentations. As Rilke wrote, “ The free animal has its decrease perpetually behind it, and God in front.”
It tells me to love wholeheartedly!
The Dance
The dance of the Trinity: the outpouring of love from Father to Son, from Son to Spirit, from Spirit back to Father (kenosis). The Trinity is an icon of self-emptying love. The three persons go round and round like buckets on a watermill, constantly overspilling into one another. As they do, the mill turns and the energy of love becomes expressed and reachable. The Cappadocians called this circulation of love perichoresis which means the dance around. God reveals his inner nature through a continuous dance of kenosis.
This reminds me of Henri Matisse’s painting the Dance. Was the intention of Matisse to represent this process? Was he depicting our relationality and oneness? Is the disconnect between the two emulating our yearning for unity? The five figures are holding hands in a circle, but on the left, we can notice that the two individuals’ hands are parted; they only slightly brush instead of holding. The rupture’s point being closest to the viewer’s position, it can be interpreted as an invitation to join in the dance. The circle comes to find those that “are outside,” and thus unify individuals. This is clearly God’s overture!
As Raimon Panikkar eloquently expresses, “I am one with the source insofar as I act as a source by making everything I have received flow again- just like Jesus.”
The Law of Three
While diving deeper in my studies of Gurdjieff, I revisited the law of three, and this time it really resonated with me. According to the law, in every situation we have an Affirming (driving) force, a Denying (resisting) force, and a Neutral force.
Lectio Divina
It all begins with an idea.
I have being hearing of lectio divina frequently lately, and then I “stumbled” upon a book on the theme with a special laminated instructional/prayer guide left by the previous owner of the book in it. It was a sign to move toward the practice and experiment with it. Don’t get me wrong, I do spend the majority of my days deep into spiritual readings, contemplations, and healing, but this devotional routine was going to take me even deeper, or so I suspected.
I am on day three of experimentation, and I am all in. It takes my communication with God to another level. It immerses me in Scripture in an unfamiliar way and affirms my faith while moving me to action. God no longer feels like a figment of my imagination but like a friend of virtue having a conversation with me.
As of recent, I have been healing through burned out energy at my place of employment and wavering between staying and going. Upon waking up today, that ambivalent heavy wave washed over me, so I turned to the sacred reading with no hesitation. The practice advises to highlight words or phrases that glimmer to us. I did and was then moved to pull them out of the text and write them in my journal. Here is the result:
“God bless you and give you peace. God consoles us in all our troubles. If you meet with trouble, it is for the sake of your consolation and salvation. Rely on God, for he will deliver us again. Purity of motive and sincerity are inspired by God. We will be proud of you. Your pleasure might be doubled. Where did I show any fickleness of purpose? The message does not waver between “yes” and “no”. The child of God never wavered between “yes” and “no”. With him, it has always been “YES”. God gave us his spirit in our hearts as a pledge of future blessings. It is through your faith that you are standing firm.”
What a Feast!
The Eye of the Heart: A=ek
It all begins with an idea.
Nous: the spiritual eye of the heart (the highest aspect of the soul)
How do I enter this space? Mary Magdalene did. Julian of Norwich did. Hildegard of Bingen did. Cynthia Bourgeault did. Meggan Watterson did. Wendy Farley did………..
Do I follow in their footsteps or find my own rhythm? How do I embody my Divinity, so I can hear the subtle whisper of the nous? I have to truly believe in my sacredness and inner power, in that golden light that shines within me and is much larger than my perceived Me.
How do I embrace my full humanness with all its egoic climates while showing up in reverence to my wholesome Divinity? That is the mystery formula for hearing and receiving the treasure.
How does my love grow into agape and become a bridge between the realms?
According to Cynthia Bourgeault, Agape equals Eros times Kenosis (A=ek).
Agape: unconditional love
Eros: desire/the “yes” within oneself/the creative force
Kenosis: to surrender/to empty out
It seems that in order to enter the state of unconditional love while feeling a pure desire, I have to let go of any clinging to it. How do I distinguish between a Divine desire and a Human temptation? The most natural response takes me back to the nous.
What if Love (Agape) wasn’t the Alpha, but Wisdom (Sophia) was? What if Love is the Omega? What prevents me from being wise and reaching the Omega? Do I tend to the screeching sounds of the ego more than I caress the heart? How do I “tame” the powers of the ego and reveal my heart? It seems that if I occupy a state of radical awareness and gently purify my inner landscape, I will create space for peace to enter every crevice of my Being. In that mode, I can slow down and listen, trust that I will hear, and receive with no hesitation but with complete faith. That’s Love! Loving the Creator by loving his Divine Creation!
Babette’s Feast
It all begins with an idea.
When I woke up at 3am, I remembered what I left unhealed the night before. Life has many agents to deliver the messages. We just have to pay attention and subsequently address them with loving care. My neighbor brought one of these gifts which I slowly realized I have to unwrap because it was pervading everything. I was feeling like an impostor in many professional and creative situations which created a feeling of smallness, inferiority, and ultimately stuckness. The more I ignored it, the more it turned into a swamp. Have you tried moving through a swamp? It is full with sludge and invisible phantoms. Feeling into that during this early hour, I jumped into healing. First, I moved through the rejection upset which still shows up in my reality albeit with less rawness. As much as I have peeled the layers, I do have a fear of rejection which combined with the impostor syndrome, keeps me in immobile position in certain scenarios. Why do I still reject myself? What does that even mean? These were the questions that were rapidly firing in my mind. I dropped into my heart, and the answers started to appear. I wasn’t completely accepting myself. That was clear! I can’t feel like an intruder and be accepting of my Essence. I wasn’t really seeing my Divinity or believing I am deserving of God’s love. If I was created in the image of God, I was not honoring that image. I was not in reverence of God hence myself. So vast is God’s love that he places me in settings that I would wind up being rejected over and over again until I learn full acceptance of myself which involves the shedding of shame.
SHAME: Should Have Already Mastered Everything
Who taught me this dysfunctional belief? Why is it so rooted in me that after thousands of mirror exercises, I still fall into its trap?
There is nothing to perfect. It is impossible to shine in every sphere or all the time. God chose for all of us to carry one particular spark/purpose. I don’t need to pretend and show up inauthentically to fit a particular paradigm of societal acceptance. That is a recipe for lostness, inadequateness, and misery. That is how slowly but steadily, I begin to feel like an impostor. My heart fire dies out. I become a drifter. What’s the alternative?
The alternative is to step into the imaginal realm and see the Big Picture (chasm). The movie Babette’s Feast was brought to me to help me face this upset. It is not the type of movie, I will naturally gravitate toward, but I am learning to listen when the nudges are delivered. The focal point of the story is a speech delivered by one of the characters at the feast which happens closer to the end of the movie which points to the fact that our lives are not linear but rather spatial and that our kind acts and unkind acts, our impulsive choices, our misalignments and repetitive patterns, anything and everything surrounds the apex. It looks like a mandala- the sacred center/ the neutral space. Some of the steps we take either move us toward the imaginal realm or the human realm. We need both to complete the circle. A person who is rich in essence but has not developed a strong vehicle for its expression in this world is, in Gurdjieff’s words, a “stupid saint”.
The general who delivers the speech starts with a verse from Psalm 85, “Mercy and truth have met together; righteousness and bliss shall kiss one another.” Then, he continues, “ Man in his weakness and shortsightedness believes that he must make choices in this life. He trembles at the risk he takes. We do know fear. But no, our choice is of no importance. There comes a time when our eyes are opened, and we come to realize that mercy is infinite. We need only await it with confidence and receive it with gratitude. Mercy imposes no conditions. And lo! Everything we have chosen has been granted to us. And everything we rejected has also been granted. Yes, we get back even what we rejected. For mercy and truth are met together. Righteousness and bliss shall kiss one another.” As Cynthia Bourgeault comments, “As soon as one relaxes spatially and allows the larger picture to fill in, suddenly the mercy reappears, like the full moon from the darkened clouds.”
Mona Lisa
It all begins with an idea.
It started yesterday with a boom and a bang, although upon reflection, it was steadily building up. There was an air of not okayness and a need for constant opposition in response to that feeling. The Heavy energy expanded into rebelliousness. All the healing prior to this moment somehow evaporated and only the little girl was standing in the midst of this seemingly overwhelming vastness feeling unsupported and played with. There was no more space for her to be in that room. She felt tossed around by another at their whim. She felt the separation deep in her bones. She ran toward the room where she could dream about being the One- not for someone else- but for herself. Here, she recognized her worth and desired to protect it dearly, and allowed God to love her. The recognition of her Divinity gave her only permission to be in spaces that truly honor and respect her. It wasn’t about who is right or wrong. It was about her resilience and devotion to herself. It was about her seeing her light and following it unequivocally.
Today she sat on a chair she almost never sits on and opened a book, gifted to her mother, she has never opened before, to see the photograph of Mona Lisa. It was taken at the Louvre and had all the reflections of the glass frame and the paintings that mirrored into that glass. It felt serendipitous! After all, when she was younger many people found resemblance between her and Mona, especially in the eyes. In the deeper part of her being, she knew she had to investigate and find the meaning of this particular gift at this particular time. It was percolating in the vicinity, but she couldn’t quite grasp it, so she read which she sensed will crystalize the gnosis, and it did. When you look at Mona Lisa, you see through your current lens. There are many shades and perspectives. Her eyes are a living well and emit her Infinity and Divinity. It was a confirmation for me to see my Goodness and shield it from anything (other paintings: triggers/mirrors/outside noise) that “threatens” to disturb my Union with God. It was about staying firm with my boundaries. Not loving less, but loving more. Mona’s image in the photograph was blurry. My dance between my worthiness/unworthiness created the in-between space where I sometimes see myself and sometimes deviate and see blurry, yet, I am on purpose by design, and God was inviting me to recognize my permanent address- Value/Merit/Worth. When I occupy this space, I choose Her over and over again regardless of the circumstances and all the justifications my ego can provide for overriding this knowing. The tests are plenty. The results are all over the place, but the awareness is there, and moving through these situations with self-compassion and understanding is necessary. A seed doesn’t sprout overnight, let alone produce fruit instantaneously, yet it endures lovingly.