Growing Essence

It took a fall on the ice and a strained arm muscle to learn a few lessons. On Friday, I succumbed to a familiar feeling of being the independent, self-sufficient woman who can cope with all of life’s challenges alone. As usual, pride got in the way, along with some protective mechanisms. The victimhood role was sneaking in, and I recognized it immediately. That space felt familiar, even comforting, more so than opening up and asking for support.

On Saturday, I didn’t have a choice. I was physically hurt and needed help with even dressing. God humbled me.

Essence can only grow in pristine environments, where we don’t lie to others, but even more importantly, where we don’t lie to ourselves. By pretending to be someone we are not, by concealing our inner battles when they are begging to be shared, we fall into the embrace of False Personality. There, movement upward and sideways is restricted. We wind up kicking and screaming within our own cages, with no sight of an exit.

I don’t remember ever being truly taught the meaning of lying. Yes, the slogans of “Don’t lie” were plenty, but did I ever understand the full scope of it? The focus was always on not lying to others, less so on not lying to myself. False Personality is a “continual self-lying, continual pretense, and continual self-hypnotism.” Essence can only grow in truth, and the worst form of lying is pretending. This raises a question I continue to sit with: do I truly know what constitutes “truth”?

In Logion 6 of the Gospel of Thomas, it states:

“His disciples questioned him and said to him, `Do you want us to fast? How shall we pray? Shall we give alms? What diet shall we observe?’
Jesus said, ‘Do not lie, and do not do what you hate, for all things are plain in the sight of heaven. For nothing hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain without being uncovered.’”

Back to my story: on Friday, I fell into a habitual state of pretending, justified by pride and other self-reasons. It felt manipulative and unkind, yet I remained in it. Later that day, I attended a scheduled Wisdom Circle, where I was nudged to reflect on the message from Jesus. The leader gently stated what I needed to hear, reminding me that God meets us where we are and that His care is personal. I heard the message, agreed with it, but didn’t apply it in real life.

Then, life brought me to my knees. At least, I had a physical reason to ask for help and open my arms to receiving.

What I learned is that if I truly desire my Being to grow and thrive, I must leave behind all masks, games, and distorted narratives. I must fully step into my Authenticity. It is safe to be seen. It is safe to receive. It is a strength to be humble. As Abba Poemen says, “Do not give your heart to that which does not satisfy your heart.”