The Eye of the Heart: A=ek

Nous: the spiritual eye of the heart (the highest aspect of the soul)

How do I enter this space? Mary Magdalene did. Julian of Norwich did. Hildegard of Bingen did. Cynthia Bourgeault did. Meggan Watterson did. Wendy Farley did………..

Do I follow in their footsteps or find my own rhythm? How do I embody my Divinity, so I can hear the subtle whisper of the nous? I have to truly believe in my sacredness and inner power, in that golden light that shines within me and is much larger than my perceived Me.

How do I embrace my full humanness with all its egoic climates while showing up in reverence to my wholesome Divinity? That is the mystery formula for hearing and receiving the treasure.

How does my love grow into agape and become a bridge between the realms?

According to Cynthia Bourgeault, Agape equals Eros times Kenosis (A=ek).

Agape: unconditional love

Eros: desire/the “yes” within oneself/the creative force

Kenosis: to surrender/to empty out

It seems that in order to enter the state of unconditional love while feeling a pure desire, I have to let go of any clinging to it. How do I distinguish between a Divine desire and a Human temptation? The most natural response takes me back to the nous.

What if Love (Agape) wasn’t the Alpha, but Wisdom (Sophia) was? What if Love is the Omega? What prevents me from being wise and reaching the Omega? Do I tend to the screeching sounds of the ego more than I caress the heart? How do I “tame” the powers of the ego and reveal my heart? It seems that if I occupy a state of radical awareness and gently purify my inner landscape, I will create space for peace to enter every crevice of my Being. In that mode, I can slow down and listen, trust that I will hear, and receive with no hesitation but with complete faith. That’s Love! Loving the Creator by loving his Divine Creation!

Babette’s Feast

When I woke up at 3am, I remembered what I left unhealed the night before. Life has many agents to deliver the messages. We just have to pay attention and subsequently address them with loving care. My neighbor brought one of these gifts which I slowly realized I have to unwrap because it was pervading everything. I was feeling like an impostor in many professional and creative situations which created a feeling of smallness, inferiority, and ultimately stuckness. The more I ignored it, the more it turned into a swamp. Have you tried moving through a swamp? It is full with sludge and invisible phantoms. Feeling into that during this early hour, I jumped into healing. First, I moved through the rejection upset which still shows up in my reality albeit with less rawness. As much as I have peeled the layers, I do have a fear of rejection which combined with the impostor syndrome, keeps me in immobile position in certain scenarios. Why do I still reject myself? What does that even mean? These were the questions that were rapidly firing in my mind. I dropped into my heart, and the answers started to appear. I wasn’t completely accepting myself. That was clear! I can’t feel like an intruder and be accepting of my Essence. I wasn’t really seeing my Divinity or believing I am deserving of God’s love. If I was created in the image of God, I was not honoring that image. I was not in reverence of God hence myself. So vast is God’s love that he places me in settings that I would wind up being rejected over and over again until I learn full acceptance of myself which involves the shedding of shame.

SHAME: Should Have Already Mastered Everything

Who taught me this dysfunctional belief? Why is it so rooted in me that after thousands of mirror exercises, I still fall into its trap?

There is nothing to perfect. It is impossible to shine in every sphere or all the time. God chose for all of us to carry one particular spark/purpose. I don’t need to pretend and show up inauthentically to fit a particular paradigm of societal acceptance. That is a recipe for lostness, inadequateness, and misery. That is how slowly but steadily, I begin to feel like an impostor. My heart fire dies out. I become a drifter. What’s the alternative?

The alternative is to step into the imaginal realm and see the Big Picture (chasm). The movie Babette’s Feast was brought to me to help me face this upset. It is not the type of movie, I will naturally gravitate toward, but I am learning to listen when the nudges are delivered. The focal point of the story is a speech delivered by one of the characters at the feast which happens closer to the end of the movie which points to the fact that our lives are not linear but rather spatial and that our kind acts and unkind acts, our impulsive choices, our misalignments and repetitive patterns, anything and everything surrounds the apex. It looks like a mandala- the sacred center/ the neutral space. Some of the steps we take either move us toward the imaginal realm or the human realm. We need both to complete the circle. A person who is rich in essence but has not developed a strong vehicle for its expression in this world is, in Gurdjieff’s words, a “stupid saint”.

The general who delivers the speech starts with a verse from Psalm 85, “Mercy and truth have met together; righteousness and bliss shall kiss one another.” Then, he continues, “ Man in his weakness and shortsightedness believes that he must make choices in this life. He trembles at the risk he takes. We do know fear. But no, our choice is of no importance. There comes a time when our eyes are opened, and we come to realize that mercy is infinite. We need only await it with confidence and receive it with gratitude. Mercy imposes no conditions. And lo! Everything we have chosen has been granted to us. And everything we rejected has also been granted. Yes, we get back even what we rejected. For mercy and truth are met together. Righteousness and bliss shall kiss one another.” As Cynthia Bourgeault comments, “As soon as one relaxes spatially and allows the larger picture to fill in, suddenly the mercy reappears, like the full moon from the darkened clouds.”

Mona Lisa

It started yesterday with a boom and a bang, although upon reflection, it was steadily building up. There was an air of not okayness and a need for constant opposition in response to that feeling. The Heavy energy expanded into rebelliousness. All the healing prior to this moment somehow evaporated and only the little girl was standing in the midst of this seemingly overwhelming vastness feeling unsupported and played with. There was no more space for her to be in that room. She felt tossed around by another at their whim. She felt the separation deep in her bones. She ran toward the room where she could dream about being the One- not for someone else- but for herself. Here, she recognized her worth and desired to protect it dearly, and allowed God to love her. The recognition of her Divinity gave her only permission to be in spaces that truly honor and respect her. It wasn’t about who is right or wrong. It was about her resilience and devotion to herself. It was about her seeing her light and following it unequivocally.

Today she sat on a chair she almost never sits on and opened a book, gifted to her mother, she has never opened before, to see the photograph of Mona Lisa. It was taken at the Louvre and had all the reflections of the glass frame and the paintings that mirrored into that glass. It felt serendipitous! After all, when she was younger many people found resemblance between her and Mona, especially in the eyes. In the deeper part of her being, she knew she had to investigate and find the meaning of this particular gift at this particular time. It was percolating in the vicinity, but she couldn’t quite grasp it, so she read which she sensed will crystalize the gnosis, and it did. When you look at Mona Lisa, you see through your current lens. There are many shades and perspectives. Her eyes are a living well and emit her Infinity and Divinity. It was a confirmation for me to see my Goodness and shield it from anything (other paintings: triggers/mirrors/outside noise) that “threatens” to disturb my Union with God. It was about staying firm with my boundaries. Not loving less, but loving more. Mona’s image in the photograph was blurry. My dance between my worthiness/unworthiness created the in-between space where I sometimes see myself and sometimes deviate and see blurry, yet, I am on purpose by design, and God was inviting me to recognize my permanent address- Value/Merit/Worth. When I occupy this space, I choose Her over and over again regardless of the circumstances and all the justifications my ego can provide for overriding this knowing. The tests are plenty. The results are all over the place, but the awareness is there, and moving through these situations with self-compassion and understanding is necessary. A seed doesn’t sprout overnight, let alone produce fruit instantaneously, yet it endures lovingly.